From 2008 To A Particular Day In 2020

Goethe famously said

“Tell me with whom you consort with and I will tell you who you are.”

I know this person earlier this year (I didn't realize that we're mutual on social media, been following each other for years but hadn't had a chance to said 'hi!' until that day) and turns out I like my conversation with him. It's the almost everyday midnight conversation which fortunately, I always waiting for this moment to come. He is unlike any other person that I met along the way. Consider I am lucky to meet him and can brutally honest telling him stories. 

Seneca wrote to a friend:

"Choose someone whose way of life as well as words, and whose very face as mirroring the character that lies behind it, have won your approval. Be always pointing him out to yourself either as your guardian or as your model. There is a need, in my view, for someone as a standard against which our characters can measure themselves. Without a ruler to do it against you won’t make crooked straight."

I remember very vividly a moment in our random midnight conversation when we talked on the phone about everything and both of us didn't realize we've talked for more than 3 hours. Suddenly, I felt like I was surrounded by someone who were a lot know everything than me. He talked with ease about movies, musics (which I guess things he passionately about), about his own thought towards things, and concepts I’d never heard of. He did things I didn’t know how to do. And that is so my worldview expanded, as did a casual pressure to improve and push myself. 

He don’t have to speak the same language as me. I don’t even need to agree with everything he said or did. But I can still learn from him and be motivated by his influence. And I sometimes hate it knowing some of things he said was true and could ease my mind too :)

There was a second half to Goethe’s maxim. 

“If I know how you spend your time,” he said, “then I know what might become of you.”

He tell me a little story of his life, about his past, he tell me how he became the man he is today. But above all the few things he told me, I felt like I know him already. He is so much easy to read or it is because he already a bit opened up and just being who he is that become so predictable to me?

Strange. 

I remember he accompanied me to watch my favorite singer and we had this long night conversation  afterwards and I somehow felt like I was safe. I just being myself. He listen, carefully. Gave me warm and comfort. Knew that for a split second I want to be around him a bit longer. He surprise me with every inch details he remember from my stories. He makes me reconsider my options and I will never regret the decisions I've made just to know him better. 

He is such a gentle; beautiful human being --- doesn't he realize that? Despite the fact that sometimes he annoys me, obviously. Remember the day he took me home, on our way, I told him not to overthink everything. They will be okay eventually. Told him to chose his own battle wisely. Believe in himself that he is capable of doing great things. That he is now a better person than himself before. Because I guess, see, you are now that good dude.

Remember he confess to me he was chatting with another girl before he met me and still kept that girl on the radar, my respond was: It's okay. I am not angry :). Its tickling-ly funny to heard someone asked you whether it is okay or not for that matter (tho I felt a bit appreciated, I wanna cryyy huhuhu). It's because we're adult. And we know whats best for ourselves and I don't want to be that possessive human being. But more than that, I want to trust him. 

Beside of things I said above, I really wish we could go out watching concerts, go to the forest (he know how random I am), watching movies, dancing when we both get a bit drunk, sip another Mocha and Latte at Sabang 16 because I really enjoy our time that day and craving for more hehehe, or strolling around Jakarta with public transportation after this pandemic is over. I really wonder why you said "Yes" to my random invitations ahahahahah but I am glad you did :)

I am glad, that our path crossed. In such a strange way. 

A Little Piece of a Good Conversation

That’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.

— Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner 

I am that kind of person who really enjoy a conversation. Not only enjoying it, I am also really mean everything I said. I really want to dive deep inside their mind. Then one day, I met this person. Our path suddenly crossed. We started to talk about everything. Musics, movies, random thoughts, even our past stories, and laugh over dumb things we ever did. Talking with this person makes me questioning myself, "Where have I been?". 

Where have I been this past years? 

The girl (me), she missed all the fun. She missed the joy of attending the music festivals by herself and went home with a happy feeling, looking forward for another jam. 

To that person.

Thank you for existing. I am forever grateful to know you. 

I hope you keep enjoying what you do right now. 

She said hang on. And be patient. And all that matters.

About Running Away

It doesn't come along with comfort.

She.

In her mind, she had never been a good human. She accepted her flaws. She was astonishingly aware of them. There were not many things she liked about herself. But one thing that helped her distinguish herself from others was her sense of dedication towards the people she cared most for. And ultimately that was her biggest flaw. She was so dedicated to make things right, make things work. If someone hurt her, it wasn’t because she was naïve. She could see people for who they truly were but still chose to believe the best in them.

She never gave up. Never. There was a long list of people who had given up on her. But for her, giving up was never an option. Her self-respect had been diminished, her trust broken but she had always given endless chances to people. When she hurt people, she made sure to right her wrongs. And when people left she always blamed herself. She always remembered everyone she had ever loved, ever called a friend with the utmost respect.

Let me guess:

You have a serious problem with believing that someone could actually love you beneath your fun-loving, happy-go-lucky surface. You have no problem attracting people towards you, but you have trouble keeping them because you don’t know how to be serious (even just every once in a while) and how to be vulnerable enough to truly let someone in.



am I answering your question, already?

BATAS

by Aan Mansyur

Semua perihal diciptakan sebagai batas. 

Membelah sesuatu dari sesuatu yang lain. 

Hari ini membatasi besok dan kemarin. 

Besok batas hari ini dan lusa. 

Jalan-jalan memisahkan deretan toko dan perpustakaan kota, bilik penjara dan kantor walikota. 

Juga rumahmu dan seluruh tempat dimana pernah ada kita.

Bandara dan udara memisahkan New York dan Jakarta. 

Resah di dadamu dan rahasia yang menanti dijantung puisi ini dipisahkan kata-kata. 

Begitu pula rindu,  hamparan laut dalam antara pulang dan seorang petualang yang hilang. 

Seperti penjahat dan kebaikan dihalang uang dan undang-undang.

Seorang ayah membelah anak dari ibunya, dan sebaliknya. 

Atau senyummu, dinding diantara aku dan ketidakwarasan. 

Persis segelas kopi tanpa gula menjauhkan mimpi dan tidur.

Apa kabar hari ini ?

Lihat,  tanda tanya itu jurang antara kebodohan dan keinginanku memilikimu sekali lagi.

Question

How it feels the need of being needed by your love ones?

How many times have I thought to myself, “If they just got to know me, the real me, they would love me”? As someone who believes that most people are incredibly beautiful, sensitive creatures with baggage that sometimes causes them to portray an image that doesn’t exactly reflect their true selves, I often find myself advocating for the people beneath the mask.

Take me for example. Most people I know would tell you I’m cheesy gooey, careless, negative, even possessive kind of girl. But this is the person that I let people see. Not many people take the time to really get to know the things that are bubbling under the surface. Most of the time I give off that give off an, “I don’t give a shit what you think” vibe but really, I care a lot what other people think about me.

We are (sometimes) so quick to judge everyone’s situation that we don’t allow ourselves to see what’s going on underneath. Agreed?

Maybe it’s the storyteller in me but I love hearing about everyone. I love when people let down their guard and let me see the incredible person hiding behind their exterior. I’ve been wrong on my first impressions few times than I’d ever care to admit. I’ve thought that I really didn’t like someone until I really got to know them and I realized in that moment they’re just like me; struggling to figure out the person they are. We’re all wrestling with who we should be on the outside and who we actually are on the inside.

I’ve struggled with my identity for a really long time. I always put myself in a role I knew I couldn’t keep up with. There are a handful of people that I would let see me for me but I recently changed that. I realized that if I wanted to be happy and inspire others that I would first have to do the work to make myself feel the love and acceptance I want to give to everyone else.

It was hella hard and hella costly. When I say things that make some people feel uncomfortable, whether it be a shortcoming of mine or a trauma I’ve had in the past, I feel the other person I am telling almost start to shut down. Why? Why do some people shut down when I admit the less than perfect things about myself?

Then I start to think the reason other people get uncomfortable when I talk about my scary stuff is because it reminds them of their own. A lot of people aren’t ready or willing to work on the hard things because it’s incredibly terrifying. Everyone wants to be happy all the time and when I remind them that I am just a mess human being, it reminds them that they are also human with real emotions.

I collect traumas and feelings throughout my lifetime. It’s almost as if I have an internal counter that keeps a tally of the moments and memories of when I didn’t feel good enough. Those negative memories and moments are the ones I fall back on when things aren’t going my way or when I see something in someone else that reminds me of my shit.

I let myself to see beneath the mask that some people wear and let some of my true friends see beneath mine (yea I have trust issue here and that's make me SO really really careful, I won't let some kind of jerk mess with me). I owe it to myself to get to know someone fully before I judge them because I never know the beautiful understandings they can give me. Sometimes I find by listening to another person’s stories and struggles, I find an answer to my own.

P.S: 

you can't always trust everyone. Be careful.

Team Delena!