i should have said 'Alhamdulillah'

life is great. i mean waking up in the morning and doing things.

that's awesome.

we're lucky to exist, you know?

I have a chance to be alive and experience things--which is probably the most under appreciated thing in the whole world (right in front of breakfast for dinner). life is beautiful and it's a shame that it often takes near death experiences or improved circumstances for people to realize it.

i love life, even when i don't have one.

i love it unconditionally and if it were a person, i'd hug it everyday.

not the one arm, side-to-side deal either.. i'am talking two arm embraces, with life's face smothered in my chest so it leaves makeup stains on my shirt.

i want to make good impressions, have the correct answers, make the best decisions, say the right things--be good at life. i know a person or two who seem as if they've got it all figured out. living and handle everything with grace and charisma. YES, i know nobody is perfect do some people just act better than others? maybe that's the best method, to pretend and fake it-- until I make it.

maybe it's been too long. maybe i have crossed the border between 'giving honor to what i had' into 'being pathetically stuck in the past'. i'am sorry if you think that i should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessing, and seeing other people. i don't need to hear any motivational quotes about all of the wonderful things i still have to look forward to in life, or that i ended for a reason.

i am currently walking through a tunnel whose end i cannot see,

whose walls feel as cold as they are strangely comforting.

at least in my sadness,

i know what can be expected.

platonic partner

TO:

Natasya Kusuma Yuliandani

Seyla Rizky Amelia

Devika Fajriah

Being a best friends means being willing to learn and adapt, to understand that i cannot control this person or make them be who i want them to be, that i love them precisely because they are their own person. i am the keeper of their secrets, the one they cried in front of, the one they are able to be fully themselves with. i was there through different relationships the way a people weathers different administrations, learning intimately what it is they are looking for and the mistakes they are making — mistakes i know i have to let them make for themselves, just as they allow me mine. Seeing this part of another human being, watching as they turn into people they would not have recognized a few short years ago, is nothing short of a gift. Being a best friend is to be a therapist when we are still so very deeply in the process of figuring things out for ourselves. 

It may sound like a job, and in many ways, it is. It’s not a straight line cutting through my life that starts with “meet this perfect person” and ends with “die laughing as old people drinking milk.” It’s something that demands admitting I am wrong, making sacrifices, and coming to understand that the decisions i would not make for myself may be the right ones for them. 

To have a love like this — one that i cannot control or tie down or even really fully define — is as precious as it is rare. i have endless guidebooks on how to navigate romantic relationships, but so few that tell me what to do when my best friend moves to a new city for the first time and i have to learn how to redesign our patterns and communication to bridge the gap. there are endless questions and challenges to be faced in a best friendship, almost all of which we have to figure out entirely for ourselves. but when everything is going wrong and there is only one person i know i can call who will be there free of judgment, of imposing their worldview on me, i cannot say it is not worth it.

and yet, (for me) working on things is such an essential part of being a best friend.. we will have disagreements, we will want different things, we will fight. 

but after all,  It’s the “I love you” of platonic relationships :)

Habibie untuk Ainun

“Sebenarnya ini bukan tentang kematianmu, bukan itu.

Karena, aku tahu bahwa semua yang ada pasti menjadi tiada pada akhirnya, dan kematian adalah sesuatu yang pasti, dan kali ini adalah giliranmu untuk pergi, aku sangat tahu itu. Tapi yang membuatku tersentak sedemikian hebat, adalah kenyataan bahwa kematian benar-benar dapat memutuskan kebahagiaan dalam diri seseorang, sekejap saja, lalu rasanya mampu membuatku menjadi nelangsa setengah mati, hatiku seperti tak di tempatnya, dan tubuhku serasa kosong melompong, hilang isi……

……Kau tahu sayang, rasanya seperti angin yang tiba-tiba hilang berganti kemarau gersang.

Pada airmata yang jatuh kali ini, aku selipkan salam perpisahan panjang, pada kesetiaan yang telah kau ukir, pada kenangan pahit manis selama kau ada.

Aku bukan hendak megeluh, tapi rasanya terlalu sebentar kau disini.

Mereka mengira aku lah kekasih yang baik bagimu sayang, tanpa mereka sadari, bahwa kaulah yang menjadikan aku kekasih yang baik. Mana mungkin aku setia padahal memang kecenderunganku adalah mendua, tapi kau ajarkan aku kesetiaan, sehingga aku setia. Kau ajarkan aku arti cinta, sehingga aku mampu mencintaimu seperti ini.

Selamat jalan, Kau dari-Nya, dan kembali pada-Nya.

Kau dulu tiada untukku, dan sekarang kembali tiada.

Selamat jalan sayang, cahaya mataku, penyejuk jiwaku…

Selamat jalan, calon bidadari surgaku…”

BJ.Habibie

selamat, NaYanda!

senang rasanya bisa melihat Yanda dan Nihaya kembali merajut cinta, mengarungi lautan asmara.
saya saksi hidup mereka.
lucu sekali mengingat hal apa yang menyebabkan mereka berpisah
lucu sekali melihat sepasang bodoh ini berulah
lucu sekali melihat Yanda diacuhkan Nihaya dirumah saya.

seenaknya datang berkunjung, dengan keyakinan si Jomblo (saya) pasti berada di rumah. ah.. memang benar adanya, si jomblo ini memang dirumah. aaaaaaah i'am a happy friend of you both! kesempatan kedua itu memang ada bagi mereka yang percaya. bagi bagi mereka yang berusaha.


"Alhamdulillah ya Nihaya, enggak jadi 365 hari untuk 365 kesempatan :)"